Plot in a Nutshell: Oscar builds a second bionic man. Bionic hijinks ensue.
Story Summary: Steve is in Rudy's office having his regular psych evaluation. During the questioning, he embarasses Carla, Rudy's head nurse, by making cracks about their former romance.
"Oh, Steve, you're such a card. Ha Ha! Now STFU!"
The session ends and Carla leaves, clearly announcing her plans to lock the psych report tape in the security vault.
"I am now going to take this top secret tape to the vault. I am in no way planning to hand it over to someone who is completely unauthorized to listen to it. Straight to the vault it goes. No detours. No dilly-dallying. Here I go...I'm taking it to the vault right now. I'm stepping outside to put it in the vault. Yes sir, that's just what I'm gonna do. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to put this into the vault and no where else."
Moments later, Steve spies Carla in the parking lot handing the secret tape to a mysterious man who drives off in a red sports car. Steve tries to chase him down, but the car is tearing down the road and gets away. When Steve returns to Rudy's lab, everyone claims they have no idea what he's talking about.
Later that day, Steve spots a photo of the tape recipient in Carla's hands as she's cleaning out her desk, having been fired earlier by Oscar. It's Barney Miller, a big-time well-known race car driver who survived a terrible crash. Two plus two equals four and Steve figures it out.
But why would they make a Greenwich Village cop bionic?
Cut to Carla meeting Barney at the local pub. Steve follows her in his car and enters a few moments after she does. Barney, recognizing Steve, congenially introduces himself but then starts acting up and threatening to expose Steve's secret. He challenges Steve to armwrestle, promising the bartender minimal damages. Steve agrees in order to shut him up. This, of course, doesn't go well...
"Oh, come on Barney, you said minimal damages! Tables don't grow on trees you know... well, ok, maybe they do grow on trees, or from trees, or whatever. You owe me a new table."
Watch Barney's face and the way he moves his head up to look at Steve just after they bust the table. It's a priceless moment:
The cat being out of the bag, Oscar admits he and everyone else lied to Steve. Barney has been having a hard time adjusting to his new bionic reality. Steve agrees to help Barney on his first official mission, but only on the condition that Carla be given her job back.
"Hire back the woman who betrayed us all and divulged state secrets? Sure, no problem. What's a little treason when your heart is in the right place?"
Barney and Steve pose as telephone pole repair men in order to retrieve 800 pounds of stolen plutonium. The plutonium thieves are well-known to the government and plan to transfer their ill-gotten gains to a safe house in broad daylight and in front of witnesses. You gotta love easy assignments.
The bad guys show up right on schedule for Barney and Steve to make their move. Steve runs in and grabs the plutonium while Barney creates a distraction by bionically beating the shit out of everything he sees - and enjoying it.
"Woo hoo! Being a vicious bionic psychopath is a blast!"
Steve sees what's going on and runs back to stop Barney before he kills someone.
"Party pooper."
Back at Rudy's lab, Barney can't seem to come down from his bionic high. He raves about what a great time he had, how great he feels, and how he wants to use his new bionic powers to write his own "ticket." His rant goes on and on and culminates in the ominous words, "I mean, you and me, Steve, we...ah, we gotta be friends, right?"
There is no joke here, clinical depression and bionics are a volatile mix. See your doctor if you have the following symptoms: increased adrenaline flow, hyperactivity, heavy eyelids, enjoyment from knocking the crap out of strangers, and more than three bionic limbs.
Steve suggests to Oscar they power Barney down to normal human strength and Oscar agrees. Barney, on the other hand, does not.
"Thank you for your kind offer, but I'm afraid I must decline."
Barney breaks into Oscar's safe and then forces Rudy to tell him where the bionic source material is located. It's in subterranean level two, vault seven. Barney heads down there with Steve hot on his tail. The fight is on.
Now, normally, this is where I would describe the fight a little, maybe show a few screenshots like this one:
or this one:
and certainly this one:
But I'm just going to tell you that this fight (and the episode surrounding it) are so worth watching yourself that I simply suggest you pull out your DVD of this episode and watch it again, or go to THIS LINK and order The Six Million Dollar Man Complete Series Boxed Set if you don't already have it (of course you already have it, you wouldn't be reading this if you didn't, right?). It's worth every penny.
Soon after the fight, Steve visits Barney in the hospital where his bionic strength has been reduced forever.
Or until next season, whichever comes first.
Bonus Video: Oscar Does "The Move" TWICE!
The End.
How Did You Do That Quote:
Steve: (surprised stare) ". . . ?"
Move your mouse over Barney to see his answer.
Overall Grade:
Final Thoughts: Six Steves. Our second six Steve episode. Our previous Six-Stever, Burning Bright, was awarded six for guest-starring William Shatner and being the first episode of the series I ever witnessed. The Seven Million Dollar Man gets six for being the first truly brilliant episode of the series. There's been some great stuff up 'til now, but this episode takes all the great from the previous episodes and brings it together to give us a show where the entire thing functions as a highlight reel. Fantastic, just fantastic.
I hardly ever saw Monte in any other TV series after this one. Did he have a career after this episode? What ever happened to this actor?
Just got Season 2 in the mail and love every minute of it. Brought back lots of memories and episodes I long, long forgot. Even though many of them are dated by todays standards; I prefer watching these old shows as opposed to the new material on TV today. Next to Bigfoot, Seven Million Dollar Man was one of the best bionic episodes ever. It was sad to see this show leave the air after five seasons. I wish it could have gone on a few more seasons.
Is there any basis in fact for the proposed Six Billion Dollar Man movie with Leonardo DiCaprio? I read about it on the IMDB site and wanted to know if it was true?
Markham has appeared on numerous television shows including an appearance on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine as a zealot trying to overthrow the pleasure planet Risa while Worf and Jadzia are vacationing.
The one role I found interesting and would love to catch an episode of is as Perry Mason in a new series that was created in the 70s.
I watch this episode almost as much as Bionic Woman parts one and two. Can you believe that Monte was considered for the role of Steve. He does a much better job as Barney Miller/Hiller. I wish that they wouldn't have changed his name in Bionic Criminal. Oh well I guess that they didn't want to have two Barney Millers when the show of the same name was aired.
Comments
7 Million Dollar Man-whatever happened to Monte Markham?
I hardly ever saw Monte in any other TV series after this one. Did he have a career after this episode? What ever happened to this actor?
Just got Season 2 in the mail and love every minute of it. Brought back lots of memories and episodes I long, long forgot. Even though many of them are dated by todays standards; I prefer watching these old shows as opposed to the new material on TV today. Next to Bigfoot, Seven Million Dollar Man was one of the best bionic episodes ever. It was sad to see this show leave the air after five seasons. I wish it could have gone on a few more seasons.
Is there any basis in fact for the proposed Six Billion Dollar Man movie with Leonardo DiCaprio? I read about it on the IMDB site and wanted to know if it was true?
Markham
Markham has appeared on numerous television shows including an appearance on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine as a zealot trying to overthrow the pleasure planet Risa while Worf and Jadzia are vacationing.
The one role I found interesting and would love to catch an episode of is as Perry Mason in a new series that was created in the 70s.
Goldman, out!
I definitely want to see this
I definitely want to see this Six Million Dollar Man episode of Seven Million Dollar Man the battle of the borgs lol
7 million not as good as 6
I watch this episode almost as much as Bionic Woman parts one and two. Can you believe that Monte was considered for the role of Steve. He does a much better job as Barney Miller/Hiller. I wish that they wouldn't have changed his name in Bionic Criminal. Oh well I guess that they didn't want to have two Barney Millers when the show of the same name was aired.