Straight On 'Til Morning

The Six Million Dollar Blog - The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman
Friday, November 8, 1974
Plot in a Nutshell: 
Martians with the touch of death come to Earth, but the daughter Martian who speaks English is kinda hot with her piercing blue eyes so Steve rescues her while the rest slowly and painfully die.
Story Summary: 

Steve is hanging out at NASA where Oscar is in charge of a lunar probe launch. He takes a short break to sit down and enjoy the night sky when he spots a UFO. A UFO that doesn't appear on any radar. What could it be?

A Martian swim team, perhaps?

The next morning, a strange sliver man with silver hair dressed in a silver jumpsuit and presumably thinking silvery thoughts emerges from the shadows on the streets of a small town. He spots a laundry line hanging in a dirt yard and swiftly grabs the clothing and, spotting a basket of fruit, some food as well. Unfortunately, the landowner steps outside and a confrontation ensues, leading to a violent struggle that ends when the landowner collapses with a horrible scream, a mere touch from the mysterious man having laid him low.

"Ahhhh! I think he gave me Martian cooties!"

Steve heads to the town of Denbow the next morning, where "something strange happened." He meets the sheriff who takes him lightly, sarcastically saying: " I didn't know UFOs were a specialty of yours Colonel. I thought you tested planes and did all that space stuff."

"Yes, that's true. I also kick stupid, smart-ass sheriffs through brick walls."

Speaking to the town doctor, Steve discovers that the injured landowner is suffering from radiation burns.

Meanwhile, the four Martians are wearing the stolen clothes and eating the stolen food under a bridge. They are spotted and confronted by the sheriff's deputies. Minonee, the younger of the two female Martains with the incredible blue eyes...

Her eyes are so blue she's practically a Smurf.

attempts to explain that they are Martains from a far off...blah blah yeah yeah, the deputy doesn't buy it and tells them to line up against the wall. When they don't move fast enough he attempts to push the older female against the wall and suddenly collapses to the ground with a horrible scream.

"Ahhhh, Cooties! Quick, someone give me a Cootie shot!"

The Martians run off as one of them, the younger of the two male Martians, Eymon, uses his super powers to telekinetically toss a rock at the second deputy, disabling him.

Minonee realizes they are being followed by using her super power of incredibly blue eyes. She asks her father, the older of the two male Martians, to use his super power of mirage creation to make it look like they are running in a different direction. Steve uses his bionic eye and sees through the deception. He follows the Martians, leaving the deputies to follow the mirage.

"Ha! Those deputies are so stupid with their "organic" eyeballs! I'm just gonna let them chase after the phony Martians."

Steve follows them into the trees, where unbeknownst to him, Eymon is waiting to telekinetically toss a rock at Steve. When that doesn't work he knocks a tree down on Steve. Then a giant boulder.

"My God, Nature itself is against me!"

Undeterred, Steve finds the Martians hiding in a well-lit cave. He has a friendly chat with Minonee and she lists the super-powers her family has.

"Our dog doesn't actually have any powers, but he feels left out if we don't let him wear the cape."

Eymon goes off to slow down the sheriff and his men, while Steve and Minonee comfort her parents as they die. Her parents gone, Steve offers his hand but Minonee is reluctant to take it for fear of killing Steve.

"It's okay, my bionic arm has been fitted with the latest in anti-cootie technology."

Now it's a race to get Minonee to the site of Oscar's lunar probe launch so she can get back to her people.

They make it.

Steve and Minonee skulk around, hiding from the guards as they make their way to the capsule. All Steve has to do is reprogram a few computers to send a signal to Minonee's people that she will be coming shortly.

Man, computers were so much cooler in the 70's. I want a giant computer with no screen and a bunch of switches, dials, and buttons that light up like a Christmas tree when you flick it on.

Minonee types out the information the computer needs to communicate with her people.

"Yes, this device will certainly interface with my people's advanced, galaxy-spanning technology."

Just then Oscar enters in wild-eyed mad-scientist mode. He doesn't care why Minonee is here or that she could die, he wants to keep her on Earth to Study and experiment on her. Steve will hear nothing of it.

"Oh, c'mon, Steve. I brought my own knife, can't I dissect her a just a little?"

Cooler bionic heads prevail and Oscar relents. Steve makes room for Minonee in the capsule, and off she goes, never to be spoken of again. In fact, Minonee clearly has some form of slow-acting mind-wiping power as a couple years from now, Oscar will show skepticism at the idea of "Space People."

The End

How Did You Do That Quote:

Steve: **Totally unrelated comment**

Move your mouse over Minonee to see her answer.

Overall Rating:
Final Thoughts: 

After the perfection of The Seven Million Dollar Man, we get this? I gotta say, this really has the feel of a first season episode. I'd like to write it off as the show still trying to find it's footing, but it clearly already has it's footing. Solid footing. This episode pulls the bionic legs out from under Steve and leaves him flailing. Honestly, why did he let the deputies chase the phony Martians when he knew where the real ones were heading? What was he gonna do, write an exclusive book about them? "The Martians and Me" by Steve Austin, "The true-life story of how I met the very first Martians to come to Earth, except for the Bigfoot Martians, of course, and before Martians came to Earth every week during Jaime's third season, but Jaime's Martians don't count cause that was on a different network and all those Martians were really stupid, anyway."

I am convinced this episode never happened. Let's look at the evidence: at the beginning of the episode, it's late at night, Oscar is tired and wants to get some sleep, at the same time Steve goes out and sits under the stars to relax. Years later, Oscar is skeptical of the idea of "Space People" in the "Return of Bigfoot" episodes. Clearly, while Oscar was home sleeping, Steve, who claimed he wasn't tired, sat down outside under the stars and zonked out. The whole episode is Steve dreaming. That explains the ridiculousness of it, the attractiveness of the Martian woman (do you think Steve would dream up an unattractive Martian?), the fact that the Martians understand (and one of them speaks) English, the super-powers (perhaps Steve read too many comic books as a child), and the fact that when they die, the Martians (and the clothes they're wearing) disappear into thin air. It's all a fatigue induced dream. And a stupid one at that.

No Steves. Only our second-ever Zero-Steve episode, the last being "The Rescue of Athena One." However, Meg Foster is great. She saves the day. Clearly, I have developed a bionic crush, thus this episode gets three Minonees.

This is a test

Old Comments: 

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